Friday, March 3, 2017

I just came home from an NA meeting and felt like writing. I am working on my second book. My first book is called Madeline and is available on Barnes and and My second book is a sequel of my first book. In the first book I take Madeline's life from the depths of hell to recovery from mental illness. In this second book I am showing how far down Drug addiction can take you and how hard it is to get clean once you are in the grips of an addiction. I feel this story because I have lived this story. This story is a fictional adaptation of my life. I have lived my whole life fighting one addiction after another. It all started with food that was my first addiction. From there my addiction went to cutting myself, alcohol and marijuana. I found heroin at the age of 17 and used heroin until I was 24. From there I went on to be a hardcore crack addict. I spent from 24 to 42 as a crackhead. I spent many nights alone in my bathroom smoking crack until I was on the verge of repertory failure. I ended up on oxygen and confined to a wheelchair. I had gained weight due to my binge eating. I was 515 lbs. when I finally got weight loss surgery. I lost weight down to 276 lbs. at my lowest weight. I gained weight due to my binge eating back to 409 lbs. and have lost back down to 350 lbs. recently. I have 90 days clean now and it feels good not waking up depressed from using. I feel great being clean. I feel that I have a grasp on this recovery thing for the moment but know that I am one drugged night away from being right back where I started and I don't know if I have another recovery in me. This isn't my first time trying to get clean just my most recent time and my most successful time getting clean. I have a sponsor now and I am working the 12 steps of Narcotics Anonymous. I am already on step 5. Step one is admitting that you have an addiction and because of it your life is unmanageable. Step to is coming to believe in a power greater than yourself. Many people believe in the program and make the meetings their higher power the tables and groups of Narcotics Anonymous (NA). Step three is turning your will and your life over to the care of your higher power. I call my higher power God. NA is a spiritual not religious program. Step four is a big step it is where you make a searching and fearless moral inventory of yourself. You write about your past and about your present and your future. You look at your character defects and your assets. You write about your fears. You write about your goals in life your dreams. You look for patterns. Step five is where you share with God yourself and another human being the exact nature of yourself. This is the step I am on. I have gone through part of my fourth step with my sponsor. My sponsor is an asset to my life she has been there since day one. She has helped me on many occasions to overcome cravings and desires to use. It is so important to have a sponsor because they are a trusted person in your life. I am happy today. I am grateful today and I am all the better for having bought a ticket on this journey of recovery. Thanks for listening. 


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