Thursday, February 1, 2018

1-31-18 First thoughts

The time of my recovery is 14 months today. I am learning that it is just as hard to stay clean as it was to get clean. Relationships are hard. I have a best friend that I am not communicating with very well. She is going through some hard times. My best friend is a good woman, a strong woman. She is coming back from an accident. She often makes excuses though about why she becomes absent from my life for days at a time. She says she wants to sleep through the pain. She says she has doctors appointments. She has every excuse why she can't pick up or answer her phone (she leaves her ringer off so as not to be disturbed when sleeping but doesn't turn it back on when she is awake and misses many calls this way). I as an addict think it is all about me. This is a usual way for an addict to think. I want to believe that it isn't about me but my first thought is always I am being rejected and it gets me mad. In my infinite wisdom and addict brain I think well if she is going to reject me then I will reject her. When she does come around and finally call me I am snotty to her. I act hurt and I am mean back at her because I feel hurt. This is my addict brain even if inside I want to be nice accept her apology and hear her out, I act on my first thought. My sponsor says that I should know that my first thought is usually wrong. That is where that, one time won't hurt or I have it under control comes from, for me. I have been trying to wrap my head around all this so when I do talk to her I use my wisdom not my first thought and don't act impulsively or with aggression but confidently and wise. I guess I still have a lot to learn about living life but I am so glad I am still here to enjoy the journey since I was close to death when I finally got clean. Today I am all better for it. Till the next time...Peace, Happiness, and Ice Cream!

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